A Collection of Thoughts

I know it's been far too long since I last posted, but my thoughts have been in too much of a jumble to write something coherent. I still doubt that my thoughts are in any sort of order, but there are some thoughts I really wanted to share, and I figure that if this post is a little all over the place, then you'll all be getting a peek into how my mind feels 90% of the time here.

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My honeymoon is over. AFS has a cultural adjustment cycle that describes the different phases of cultural adjustment that every exchange student goes through during their year abroad (https://www.afswiki.org/index.php/Common_Phases_of_Cultural_Adjustment). Like with anything new and exciting, there's a phase of exchange where you're life abroad is just that: new and exciting. You're being flooded with new experiences, cultural traits, languages, and people, which can be overwhelming, but in the end makes you happy about your new life. Like any honeymoon, this comes to an end as you settle into your life and establish a routine. My honeymoon is over. There aren't many things that seem novel anymore, and the culture shock has mostly worn off. In some ways this is nice. I feel like I have a life here, with family and friends, and like I've said in the past, the normalcy and routine can be comforting. In other ways, it makes life, and my many feelings about it, a lot more complicated. Normal, routine life can seem boring sometimes.

Ever since I got back from my trip to Peru a few summers ago, I've been announcing my desire for non-touristy travel to anyone who will listen, proclaiming that I want to understand culture, not just see pretty sights. While that is still completely true, and I'm incredibly happy to be doing just that this year, I'd like to say that tourist travel, despite its usual shallowness, is incredibly fun. I've always felt weird pulling out my camera to take pictures of seeming normal things here in Guaranda, since I'm not a tourist here, despite my obviously foreign appearance. Now that I've been here four months, I've found myself itching for touristy travel again, after denouncing it for so long, to break the routine of daily life here. It can be such a breath of fresh air to be able to pull out my camera, talk in English, and marvel at new sights without feeling like I myself have become a spectacle. Luckily for me, the AFS trips to the four regions of Ecuador (Galapagos, Sierra, Amazon, and the coast) are coming up in the second half of the year, so I'll get to practice my minimal photography skills soon.

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I'd like to make a short note about bravery, since I've been hearing how brave I am quite a bit recently. Let me tell you something: I don't feel brave. Not now, nor at any particular point since I decided that I was going to take this gap year. On the contrary, I've felt scared, sometimes down right terrified, more often than any semblance of bravery. The thing is that, for me, bravery seems a little overrated. No part of this process has felt like a show of courage to me, if anything its felt just the next step in my life. Maybe that's because I can't even remember when I decided I wanted to be an exchange student, but mostly I think it's because this was just something I wanted. 95% of any big decisions, especially the life changing ones, are just wanting something enough to go after it. Maybe there is some bravery in the decision, but after you've made your choice, its not bravery that keeps you going, its will power. It's the will to deal with whatever repercussions, good or bad, that come with your decision, that keeps you going.

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Exchange students are popular right? Who doesn't want to be friends with the new, cool, different, foreigner? This is a stereotype that I've definitely had to deal with being here, in the sense that, like any stereotype, it has some basis in reality, but doesn't account for everyone's experience. You see, at least in my experience, exchange students have a very specific kind of popularity. We are like shiny, new toys. In the beginning, everyone is very interested in you. They want to talk to you about your home country, your life there, and how you like life in your host country. They have lots of questions, and you have variations on the same conversation with every new person you meet. I personally was really grateful for others' interest in me in the beginning, because it gave me something to talk about when I might not have known what to say otherwise. But just like new toys, the novelty of exchange students fades. It can be hard to move from being the interesting foreigner to being just another person that people know, because you have to put more effort into conversations and relationships, but in a way loosing that novelty marks the point where you begin to make deeper and more meaningful connections with people.

I'll admit that I've had some trouble no longer being the shiny new toy. I could talk about the US and my life there for an eternity, but its been harder at times to know what to say when conversations turn to people I don't know, events that I wasn't here for, or aspects of life here that are still strange to me. I can probably attribute that to the language barrier, or my infuriating shyness in some situations, or the fact that even though I'd like to think I know a lot about life here, I still can feel incredibly lost. Those kinds of situations and conversations can make me feel lonely, they make my lack of history here especially apparent. It's easy to spiral downward into homesickness, to miss my friendships that have existed for years and conversations about my past with people who were part of it, but I try to remind myself that this year is worth it, that I'll always be proud of myself for going for it later on.

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My German friend pointed something out the other day that I had noticed, but hadn't given much thought to. In American culture, and I think in many European cultures as well, individualism is valued. Its okay to be different, to have different tastes and preferences. I'd say its considered normal to not be normal. That isn't a very prominent trait in Ecuadorian culture. Homogeneity is everywhere here, not just in people's physical appearances, but in their tastes as well. Everyone dresses very similarly, they all like the same music, enjoy the same TV shows, etc. Popular culture is narrower here, and straying from what is 'normal' has heavier consequences. I knew that this would generally be the case, AFS gave us a list of countries, from the most individualistic to the most collectivist, and while the US is almost always at the top, Ecuador ranked almost at the very bottom. Regardless, knowing something and living it are two very different things. I think I get some leeway, as an exchange student, to be different, but it's still strange to feel that society pushes you to fit in, rather than being told it's better to stand out.

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I could write more about everything that I've talked about so far, and as the year goes on I'll only have more things to say, but since this post is already pretty long, I'll leave you with what I've written. Hopefully it gives you some insight about exchange students, life, Ecuador, or really just anything. I realize that today is the day before Christmas, so I promise there will be another post soon, that's all about Navidad :)

Hasta luego,

Elisa

Christmas and Camping (almost...)

Pictures are nice right? Here are some to try and make up for neglecting my blog for the last month and a half.

 Some pictures from setting up and decorating my uncle and aunt's Christmas tree in Quito.

 My Christmas tree (the lights are actually multicolored, not just blue)

We spent a weekend at my great-grandfather's old farm house, and cooked out. It was the closest I've come to camping, although there was some electricity in the farm house, so we only half roughed it. 

My mom, dad, great-grandpa (he's 91, and still putters around fixing up the house) and me.

 Blackberry picking! They grow on trees here, and have lost of tiny spines.

That's all for now.

Hasta luego,

Elisa